Tough love is loving, but enabling is not.

Now there are two schools of thought on this topic so to be fair, I’ll present them both and let you decide for yourself (though my stance is made clear in the subtitle of this section).

It all boils down to how you see love, which likely has to do with how you were made to feel loved.

Enabling:

You stand by the person no matter what, because you care too much to see them suffer needlessly. Why add to their problems? You lend them a bit of money, or give them a place to stay, or ignore the fight you had the other night because it’s not a big deal and you care about them. Why start a fight?

Even when they’re having a rough go, you stand by them — through thick and thin. You lift them up, remind them of their worth, and tell them how much you want them to get/do better, because that’s what you do when you love someone. You never abandon them, no matter what.

Tough Love:

You make it clear you care for them but do not agree with their behavior. When they repeatedly disrespect your boundaries, you cut them off financially or tell them to find a new place to stay. You address their inappropriate actions, no matter how uncomfortable it makes them (or you) feel.

You know life has been tough for them lately, but you also know that life won’t get any easier if things don’t change. You realize that all the chaos that’s ensuing in their life is a result of their choices and that only by taking responsibility for these choices will the person begin to see their part.

You also acknowledge that some people, especially those who are needy or in the active spin of addiction, will likely try anything to get you to enable them. This includes lying. Just because you love them, doesn’t mean you have to believe them (or pretend to).